Trust is a precious thing. It can take years to acquire and moments to squander. Trust is a supporting pillar of healthy relationships from spousal to parental, from friendship to business, and even sometimes, just occasionally, politics.

I’ve met many people in life whose attitude toward trust is “it has to be earned first”. I’ve also met people who give their trust freely until it is abused and then they become bitter about it. Or they wonder why they were abused, but don’t learn anything from the situation and then go on to repeat the scenario. Me, I prefer the middle ground.

I believe that you should trust until shown you shouldn’t. But don’t wait to be hit by a truck to figure it out. Stay aware and alert. Don’t be paranoid by any means, but don’t be a doormat either. Knowing when you should and shouldn’t trust others requires that you trust yourself enough to make the distinction.

But trusting in yourself is more than knowing if someone is trying to rip you off. Trusting yourself requires knowing yourself. What you need, what you want, what you believe in, why you believe in it and staying true to your values. It means having the courage of your convictions. Because trusting yourself in theory is one thing but you also have to put it into practice.

      In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is.  -Anonymous


Trusting yourself then means action. Once you decide something, move forward. Don’t second guess yourself. Change when the evidence says you should. And pay attention to the signposts along the way.

Nothing Personal

How do you learn to trust yourself? My personal belief, your mileage may vary, is that to trust yourself you have to learn to NOT take things personally. You have to know, really truly understand, at a cellular level that other people’s emotions are about them – not you. Their words and actions, thoughts and opinions do not define you.

People are responsible for their own feelings. Taking on their opinions and feelings and letting them define you sets you up to suffer, and more importantly, undermines your trust in yourself.  Circumstance can often times be arbitrary and coincidental, and they usually have nothing to do with you.  So don’t jump to conclusions or draw specious correlations. All things evolve and change.

Stay true to yourself and don’t let others sway you. I believe that being able to separate out the noise of other peoples fears, opinions, and know-it-all tendencies from true advice is probably the biggest hurdle in learning to trust yourself. Remember people will always have their opinion but at the end of the day what do they really know? They are not you. So, don’t take it personally.

The rest is trial and error. You will never know how far you can go and to what extent you can trust and rely on yourself if you don’t take a risk.

Be thankful for the things you have in life. For your loved ones, family and friends, for your health, your job, the roof over your head and the food on your table, for the clothes you wear and the car (or other mode of transport) you drive.  So things aren’t perfect. So what? Have they ever been perfect? And even if they have been, they didn’t stay that way did they? That’s not a rhetorical question. Really, think about it then answer it for yourself. Don’t worry, there are no wrong answers and you won’t be graded. Hint: If you think the promise of sustained perfection is pi in the sky, you’re on the right track.

Let me give you an example, I used to have a good paying job, but it wasn’t perfect. My commute was 1.25 hours each way. Then I got laid off. I lost the commute and gained more time with loved ones, but I also gained unemployment benefits. Definitely not perfect. I recently found a new job. I’m thankful for that, but I know it won’t be perfect.

What’s my point you ask? Life is not perfect. There is always something else we want, think we need, would change if only…. There will always be accidents or unhappy circumstances, or unfortunate events. So too will there be days filled with unexpected pleasures and joy. In other words, there will always be ups and downs. Some things are under our control for some of the time, others are not. And outside of a few fleeting moments here and there none of it will be perfect.

So what are you left with? Being thankful! Appreciating the things you have, and the people you love. Appreciating them in the here and now because, whether we like to admit it or not, things change and they change all the time. So if things change all the time, and we never know what the next day is going to bring, its best to cultivate a deep appreciation for what is at this very moment. It’s also good to cultivate an ability to be detached from a particular outcome. If we are not attached to how we think something should be or look then we are free to appreciate what ever happens as it is.

I’m not talking about giving one (though they certainly can be powerful), or listening to one (though I have been moved by some of them), but in ordinary every day speech. How we talk to our friends, family and coworkers, strangers on the street.

Speech is a powerful tool. How we speak to someone can have a lasting effect. It could be considered black magic if it’s negative such as gossip, or white magic, if its praise or encouragement. People will listen to our words and hold us to them, they will remember what we’ve said and keep a record of it (email) to remind us later, they will listen to how we speak and make determinations as to our intentions, motivations, and emotional state. If we come off angry or critical people will take offense. If we are complimentary, they may feel grateful or validated. Depending on what we say they may ignore us entirely or consider us an expert. They may or may not realize that what is said and how it’s said often says more about the speaker than the listener. Regardless, words have power. As the saying goes, it can take years to build a friendship and one careless word to end it.

So knowing that words have power with regard to other people, it’s important to remember that our words also have power over us! I’m guessing that unless you are a very enlightened being (and maybe even then) that each of you reading this has some form of negative self talk, in the singular voice, or maybe even as a chorus. In the book “The Four Agreements” the author Don Miguel Ruiz calls this mixture of voices the mitote.   This negative self talk causes us to doubt ourselves in the face of a challenge, maybe even to the point of not accepting the challenge. We may beat ourselves up if we don’t achieve a goal. We may worry to excess or become fearful because our voices are telling us we don’t deserve a good job, that promotion, a happy life. And because our words are powerful, and the mind provides us with an almost incessant chatter, we come to believe what we tell ourselves.

Clearing out the voices in your head isn’t easy. In fact you will probably never be able to quiet them forever, but there are ways of working with them or around them.  

Meditation  – There are plenty of places to get instruction on meditating. The Insight Meditation Center is one. http://insightmeditationcenter.ning.com/. Concentrating on your breathing in a quiet space for 20 minutes a day can do wonders to center you and make you more resilient to the challenges (and voices) of the day.

Affirmations – I think affirmations get a bum rap. If you subscribe to the theory that words have power like I do, then positive words should have just as much power as negative ones. The problem I think we run into and why so many people think affirmations don’t work is because our ratio of positive-talk to negative-talk is often out of whack. We may have a lifelong habit (whether we are aware of it or not) of negative self-talk. It takes a huge amount of effort and willpower to counteract that. I do think it’s worth it however.  

Imagine you are talking to a 5 year old - No you WOULD NOT say those things to a child. You probably wouldn’t say them to your spouse or partner either. So why say them to yourself.

Speak up – Your experience, your feelings, and your concerns are all valid. Don’t keep them inside. Say them out loud. Do it alone if need be until you feel comfortable. Speak kindly. Say what you need to say in a timely manner, as opposed to digging up the past. And speak with good intentions. You may be surprised by the reaction you get, and not everyone is going to agree with you. That’s fine. But there is something very empowering about saying what you need to say out loud.

Avoid gossip– Talking negatively about others is just as bad as talking negatively about yourself. Probably worse because there is always going to be someone who agrees and reinforces the negativity.  If you get in the habit of not gossiping about others, then curbing the negative self talk becomes that much easier.

Listen - Listen to what people have to say, even if you don’t agree. Speak your thoughts in return. Keep in mind though, that you don’t need to argue every political point with in-laws or your co-workers. You probably won’t change anyone’s mind by arguing anyway. A solid well spoken opinion, that you don’t feel the need to defend, will speak volumes more than an argument anyway.

        A wise man once told me “Never defend, your friends don’t need it
                     and your enemies won’t believe you anyway”.

Never assume - Finally, and it should go without saying, but I’m going to say it anyway. Don’t make assumptions. Your inner voices will always assume the worst and then they will try to convince you to take it personally. Remember to ask, or paraphrase what you just heard. It’s far better to iron out the misunderstandings on the front end of a conversation than you go down the path of assumptions and end up in an argument.  

If you found this helpful or have additional tips, please leave a comment.

Fear is one of those things that we are ready to admit to having if it is a socially accepted fear, such as a fear of spiders or growing old.  A real, potentially life-threatening fear, such as having your house broken into, or coming face to face with a bear on a secluded trail is also OK to discuss.

But those kinds of fear, which may be life-impacting in their own way, are not the fears I am talking about. I’m talking about the little insidious fears we all have, that we may not even know we have. For example, fear of buying something you really like because you are worried your friends might laugh so you think “it’s not me”. Fear of doing something you really want to do because your friends or family will think you’re crazy. What about limiting yourself at work because you’re worried your coworkers would accuse you of brown-nosing. There is always going to be someone who is critical of your choices. But it shouldn’t be you.

How to Deal

Recognize fear when it comes. Examine its roots. Is it your fear or did you inherit it? Greet it out loud and then dismiss it. It is not welcome. You must act immediately though or it will seep into your mind where it will carry on never-ending conversations with the voices in your head. Then you are done for!

Fear does nothing positive. Again, I’m talking about the manufactured social fears, not the fear that is healthy and may keep you from physical harm. So try doing something you are afraid of. Put yourself into the universe.

Here’s the thing. You have to task a risk. And barring any very unfortunate accidents and illegal activity, no one is going to die, especially you. Let this be a call to find your inner courage to be the you who you already be. Fear is a choice. Don’t choose it.



Getting rid of your fears not only makes you more authentic, it makes you more confident, and nothing is as sexy as confidence!

So many of us go through life thinking how cool it would be if only we were taller, better looking, had more money, were more confident, were in better shape, were more popular, were more successful, etc. etc. etc. ad infinitum.

But the truth is that as soon as you get something you think you want, that you think will be the answer to that hole you are trying to fill, you will want something else. Why? Because the hole cant be filled with something outside of yourself. So, instead of seeking to be some way that you are not, just relax and be happy that you are you.

See yourself as you truly are, not as you want to be seen. Don't let others have the power to define you. Know that you belong here. You belong to the universe. You are here for a reason even if you don’t know what it is. You are an integral part of the process of the universe. You answer to no one but the universal consciousness.

No one else walks the earth with your perspective or experience. You add value in whatever you do, and wherever you go.  Therefore be you. You are unique, and you are special.

Do not feign emotion or actions that you do not feel or are not you. Do not fool yourself or others. Know yourself. Put your true self into the world.

Know your archetypes. Be true to them no matter what. Your archetypes are a gift. They help define who you are. Do not squelch them, do not bury them. Celebrate them. Understand their strengths and weaknesses. Guard against the weaknesses but otherwise honor and nurture yourself.

"Power is the free and total expression of spirit through a particular form or personality." – unknown.

 You are that power!